Apathy

I feel very apathetic toward everything in my life all the time, especially lately. I recognize it, and it kind of sucks, but I can't really be bothered in making any effort to change. (Dr Phil calls this a 'shame circle').

I heard about these support meetings called 'apathetics anonymous' and started to consider that maybe i can no longer get away with writing it all off as silent-intellectual-introversion/existentialism so i actually made a decision to go to the meetings and make some sort of effort.

The day of the meeting finally comes. I awake to vague memories of a blurry saturday night and splash some cold water in my face. I looked into the mirror and said aloud: "I'm going to do something about this, its time to change", then proceeded to tie up my shoes and turn on my iPod.

I opened the door and breathed in the fresh, cool, spring morning. I envisioned the air in my lungs as pure white light when I inhaled, and disgusting black sludge as I exhaled. The iPod 'shuffle' feature was giving me track after track of uplifting, 'its going to be alright' styled anthems. I picked up my pace and was feeling increasingly more focused.

"Its time" I repeated aloud as I felt my brisk walk filling my entire being with a vague optimism I have never felt in my life. I considered people I have damaged relationships with for no reason. I pontificated about people I've scorned, and things I need to immediately make right in my life.

The moment had finally arrived. The walk seemed like 30 seconds, and I pulled out the iPod to confirm it had been 36 minutes. I walked up to the door, chin up and chest puffed like a mighty captain standing proudly at the foremast of his great ship. It had been a long fight, and the toll it had taken was slowly fading from his face like Marty Mcfly's family members in a picture of 1984 when he was in 1955.

I reached out and took hold of the handle with a grip more firm than I have ever had on anything. I went to pull the door open. It was locked. There was a small handwritten sign that was sloppily scotch-taped to the door. It read:

"The apathetics anonymous meeting has been canceled due to lack of interest".

I went home to sleep and dreamed about flying to the store in my lazy boy to buy cigarettes.

p.