Two words...

=

NO SHIT.


explanation

p.

Ladies, please...

If i contracted some sort of terminal illness and was laying up in a hospital somewhere there is a chance that via some charity organization I may be offered/granted a wish or two. Although I am not a child, I hope these superfluous and moderately unnecessary options are available to terminal adults. I would have to think long and hard about it. I'd need to wish for something that would potentially live on longer than I would.

After some careful thought, I have decided that my #1 wish would be for the eradication/criminalization of the tube top. Yes, I'm serious. Allow me to explain:

Now, I am no fashionista. Clinton Kelly and I have about as much distance between us as Darwin and Jesus. I'm not, nor will I ever claim to be an authority on fashion, trends, popular culture, or anything remotely related to such. I can't even understand how Stacey London can vehemently criticize fashion choices of middle-class Americans while wearing pointy-toed shoes. However, I know what I like, I know what i feel that looks good. The tube top is not a part of these feelings.

I've noticed a resurgence over the past couple of years in the tube top. This summer especially it has become a standard fashion item. I'm not even sure why I abhor it so intensely. Part of it may be the unflattering straight line across the chest. Perhaps its the fact that it can render the most desirable pair of mammary glands hideously squished and deformed (although, I suppose if one were the celebrity-idolization type, this could be a fast track to being instantly more like Tara Reid). I've even come to accept (and in fact quite enjoy) the riding pants tucked into boots look. Over sized sunglasses? Sure. I love the longer tshirt under the shorter tshirt. The halter top immediately stirs up ancient feelings in my pelvic region. Even the worst tank top, which is no more than a tube top with spaghetti straps, is acceptable to me. The tube top, however renders the most attractive female human unthinkably hideous.

This is a phenomenon comparable to the septum piercing. Now, as far as piercing/body modification is concerned I honestly have no hard-line opinion on such. I'm into plain Janes and Sara-plain-and-talls, but I really don't mind if you have stainless steel jammed through various parts of your body. Unless, of course, its in the septum. This instantly makes any female undesirable to me also. I often have a recurring nightmare about meeting the absolute perfect woman, falling in love with her, eventually getting to the alter, and then waking up after our wedding night to find her in a tube top with a 10g ring through her septum, as she puts on her pointy-toed shoes and drags me out of the house to a karaoke bar. Shudder.

ANYWAYS, just please, ladies. Take some advice from a quasi-intelligent pseudo-intellectual single bachelor and stop wearing tube tops. I see you wearing one, and you're adjusting it every three seconds. Isn't that just a bit of a hassle? Get rid of em. My opinion has to be at least slightly more valuable than that of the brothers down at Pi Beta Sigma (who happen to love the tube top). I would appreciate it, especially considering the fact that I'm dying of a rare form of lupus.

p.

i'm moving.

i'm moving to st catharines, on. reasons for which are to be revealed later.
as i traverse this great northern land (from coast to coast) i promise to up the quotas for hilariously insightful blog posts.

things are finally coming up p.

p.