Comfort v. Embarassment

I write to you, vacuous void that is the internet, because i have yet another poignant beef with some every day item that is oftentimes over looked (i've become so predictable).

This time the subject of my skewering happens to be the vinyl toilet seat. You know what i'm talking about. Your grandparents probably have one. You've definitely experienced many of them in your day, and probably have even noted its higher comfort level when compared to your regular, run-of-the-mill plastic joints.

I suppose it IS more comfortable, like a little cushion to make that early-morning-after-a-blurry-night-of-weird-drugs-and-drinking-anus-inverting-and-dipping-into-the-water-like-an-elephant-trunk-deposit a little bit more bearable. However, i have a serious issue with these seats, and i find that the increased comfort is not worth the hassle. Let me tell you why.

First off, ladies, you can go do something right now. Y'all is sitting all the time weather it be a number one, a number two, or a number 3 (don't ask). You're getting the full advantage of the softer vinyl commode. For the 50% of the world that is phallus-endowed however, its a different story. We have to put that shit up when we're standing to drain our main vein (terrible terribe euphemism, i know). Almost every time i have done this, the seat has fallen back down to its lowered position, interrupting the stream like and un-willing set of breasts to a girls gone wild super-soaker. This can make a mess, as much of the interruption can be strewn about the bathroom floor (not to be cleaned up anytime soon).

I know you're saying: "well hey, thats not so bad, why don't you just keep the seat down and try to aim a bit better". Well, i'll tell you. Its not that easy. I don't know why...it should be, but aiming that stream into the commode without touching the sides is comparable to removing the bread basket in a game of Operation. Red light, buzzer city. The problem lies in the fact that when a forceful (i have a strong prostate) stream of urine collides with these vinyl seats, it makes a pattering noise so loud that every single person in the house can hear it, and will know exactly what it is. The only option we're left with is sitting down, and frankly, thats not very emasculating.

So what to do? Hold the seat up with one hand, aiming with the other? Thats gonna throw the balance way off, and your floor is gonna get pissed on anyways. God knows i ain't leaving it down for y'all to hear how bad my eyesight and dick-eye coordination really is. The only option is to eliminate vinyl toilet seats (unless you live on the island of Lesbos, and no irresponsible dirtbag men will be using your lavatory). We need to start putting urinals in homes. Thus eliminating this entire rant from any weird relevance it may have. Its time.

p. (get it?)